FAILURE IS NOT FINAL
The psychological wounds failure
inflicts and how to treat them
Posted Jul 16, 2013
Failure is painful, disappointing,
and demoralizing. But in addition to these obvious emotional bruises, failure
can impact us on an unconscious level as
well, and leave wounds that are far more psychologically devastating.
Recognizing the various psychological injuries we sustain when we fail and
learning how to treat them will help you recover more rapidly and more fully,
both psychologically and emotionally, and increase your chances of success in
the future.
Recognizing the Wounds Failure
Inflicts
1. Failure Makes Our Goals Seem
Tougher. Scientists asked people to kick an American football over a goalpost
10 times, after which they asked them to assess the distance and height of the
goal post. People who failed at the task assessed the goalpost as being
significantly further away and higher than people who succeeded. Failure
impacts our unconscious perceptions such that our goals seem further and more
out of reach. This causes another unconscious distortion:
2. Failure Makes Our Abilities Seem
Weaker. Once we fail we not only see our goals as harder to reach, we perceive
ourselves as less capable of reaching them. Again, these are not accurate
assessments but natural distortions that occur on an unconscious level. These
two distortions have an additional impact:
3. Failure Damages Our Motivation. Numerous
studies have demonstrated that whether we believe we will succeed or fail has a
direct impact on how much effort we invest in reaching our goal. When we fear we are unlikely to succeed, we
unconsciously invest less effort in pursuing our goal, and consequently, we are
indeed less likely to attain it. All of which introduces another unconscious
dynamic:
4. Failure Makes Us Risk Averse. The
less confident we are and the more worried we are
about failing, the less likely we are to take risks, emotional or otherwise.
Ironically, once we fail at a more conventional approach, finding a ‘riskier’
solution might be the best and most important avenue for us to pursue. But once
we’re hesitant to take risks, we are less likely to even consider them,
because:
5. Failure Limits Our Ability to
Think Outside the Box. Once failure makes us more risk averse, it impacts our
ability to think more creatively and to find solutions that are ‘outside the
box’ because by definition, such solutions entail less certainty and more risk.
But since these dynamics are largely unconscious, we often don’t recognize how
our thinking has been impacted and instead believe we’ve simply run out of new
approaches and ideas to pursue. Which is why:
6. Failure Makes Us Feel Helpless.
Over 50 years ago, psychologists Martin Seligman and Steve Maier gave
participants a test and told them it was indicative of intelligence—it was
not. In fact, the test was rigged such that it was impossible to complete. They
found that once participants failed at the (rigged) test, they acted helpless,
so much so that when they were given a similar test, one that was well within
their capacities, they failed at it—because they felt too helpless to give it a
real try. Failure often makes us feel helpless even though we are not, because:
7. Failure Leads Us to Make
Incorrect and Damaging Generalizations. When we fail we often generalize the
experience in sweeping and self-punitive ways, and draw incorrect and
unnecessary conclusions about our general intelligence, abilities, capacities,
and even about our ‘luck in life’ or what was or wasn’t ‘meant to be’. The only
thing we can conclude for sure after a failure is that we were unsuccessful at
that particular task/goal, in that particular time, in those particular
circumstances.
article continues after advertisement
How to Treat the Wounds Failure
Inflicts
1. Fight the Distortions: Recognize
that failure distorts your perceptions about the task itself and about your
capacities. Don’t ‘buy’ that you are incapable. Adopt a mindset of persistence
and optimism and refuse to give up.
2. Revive Your Self-Worth. Try to
ignore your recent failure for a moment and make a list of the qualities and
capacities you possess that should (at least on paper) make it possible for you
to succeed. If you have trouble coming up with a list, ask a friend or someone
who knows you well to remind you of your strengths. Read your list and
reconnect to your potential.
3. Remind Yourself of What Success
Would Mean to You. Recharge your motivation by reconnecting to the reasons you
began pursuing your goal in the first place. Consider how you would feel if you
succeeded, especially after having already failed at a previous attempt.
4. Take Calculated Risks. Recognize
that it is natural to feel anxious when considering less conventional options,
but that it might be essential to do so. Create a list of all the various
approaches you can think of, rank them according to the risks they entail and
make informed and calm choices about which to pursue first.
5. Reengage Your Creativity.
Brainstorm new approaches by following these two steps: In the first, list
every approach you can think of while completely ignoring whether it is
realistic or possible. Do not censure your ideas at all in this stage. Only
once you have a complete and ‘crazy’ list should you go through it and think
through what is or isn’t viable.
6. Focus on Factors in Your Control: Most failures are
related to inadequate planning, poor preparation, and insufficient effort.
Figure out what was lacking in your planning, how you can be better prepared in
the future, and how and where you can invest more effort.
7. Reframe the Failure As A Single
Incident. Make a list of the specifics of the situation that might be different
when you approach the task next time. Include items such as circumstances,
factors related to the other people involved, your mood, your spouse’s mood,
the weather, your general frame of mind, how you slept, and as many others as
you can. Then check off the many factors that might be different when you try
again.
You’ve failed. It was huge. Perhaps
you did it on purpose. Maybe it was an accident. You may have stumbled into
gradually over time or suddenly.
Bottom line: You did it. It was
wrong. There’s no sense denying it now.
What you do next will determine if –
and how well – you recover.
Here
are 5 steps to recovery from a failure:
Admit
Be honest with yourself and others
who need to know. Quit hiding from the truth. Stop making excuses. Your story
is your story. Hiding only delays recovery. Own what you did and take
responsibility for your actions. It’s a sign of maturity, but few make it to
this point. Be one who does. You may have consequences to deal with – don’t try
to run from them.
Repent
Ask God for forgiveness. If you are
a believer, He’s already paid your penalty on the cross, but you need to
acknowledge your sin to keep the relationship pure. Ask any injured parties for
forgiveness. You’re not responsible for their granting of grace – only for your
attempt to live at peace with them. Your hardest step may be to forgive
yourself.
Plan
Create a new path. Consider the
right way to do things next time – so you won’t face the same failure again. Do
you need new friends? A new environment? Should you step away from a position
for a time? How can you ensure those around you, whose trust you’ve broken can
trust you again? Develop a plan of recovery – steps you need to take to move
forward again.
Commit
Commit to your plan. They may mean
new accountability. Commit to the people you love. Commit to yourself. Commit
to walking a new path and writing a new story. You can do anything with the
discipline and tenacity to see it through. Believe in the power and sufficiency
of God’s grace in your life.
Grow
We should learn from every failure.
You do not have to be defined by this season of your life, but you should
mature from it. Move forward – looking back not to feel bad about yourself, but
only enough to remind you to never go there again.
You
can do it!
Have you ever recovered
from a failure? What would you add to my list?
